Not sure if you already know this: Your coach is only as good as you are!
So how much are you going to pay for your coaching?
And what are the results you want?
If it is cheap and easy; you do it „just for fun“! You can go ahead and waste your money. Don’t want to waste money? Then you should read this and get started with your coaching right away. Make yourself vulnerable and don’t seek relief, reassurance, proof, that you are doing great – seek for challenges; seek for adventures. Nobody will do this for you!
May be are thinking now: „What the heck is she talking about?“ Yes, what the heck!
Do you know, how your brain processes information and how much effort and courage you put into the process of coaching yourself- the process of „self-directed neuro-plasticity“. In this process, you will actively change and improvise your brain :-). How crazy is that?
The „Information“ which I refer here is the stored data in the brain about the things and thoughts that you want to get over with! This can be a limiting belief or the thoughts or bias, that hold you back doing things differently.
You don’t want to do things differently? Don’t want to stand out in a crowd ?
Okay, then you should cancel your next coaching appointment!
You don’t need a coach! 🙂
If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get the same results! you always had – it’s that simple math! One will be engaged in a coaching if one wants to change something; want something better and different. Not just to feel good by talking and making plans in the air.
You want to say NO to your boss? Just do it! Change!
You want to ask for a promotion? Just do it! Change!
You want to stop eating chocolate? Just do it! Change!
Isn’t it that easy? Guess what, it is not! If we could just change, that would be the death of multi-billion industries and make our job as coaches worthless :-). Think about diet! Think about the thousands of people, paying for the gym and go there every year; every day.
But the big question is:
What is this „something“, that holds you back – can you explain it? Or do you hold yourself liable and make excuses like for example, „I have no discipline“ ( and a tip: be careful about your words, they may become reality ;-))
What are the exceptions and excuses you make? – Is there always a reason in the world?
What are the stories around ?
Where are you stuck in? What are the thoughts that you have over and over again?
What is going on? Do you know it?Really?
What is the lie of the saboteurs, the self-sabotage? If you fail once, will you fail always? Don’t make failure a habit !
Why didn’t you really change so far? 80% of new year plan fail! Why? If you could proceed with just thinking about things, with just making plans, how great would that be! But it is not that straight forward!
Because the change is not processed – you just store new information by thinking what could be done :-). Everything is theory and your brain doesn’t like theory. It needs reality… And pics and feelings – it doesn’t matter if they are real or imaginations – they are REAL for your brain.
Got it? So, if you really want to turn around, you can help your coach being at the best service for you if you show up: I know how scary it is to talk to somebody about fears, emotions and all that nasty stuff – and even harder is it to realize! think big, dream big imagine you can do anything you want – that can be so scary if you think of failure – we as coaches have our own coaches too :-)!
I hate the image of coaching & therapy that is in people’s mind it is always associated with problems and drama, with tears, sweat and struggle. Well believe me, it is not so!
But here’s the deal: your brain is not rational, absolutely not – change is emotional – there is nothing that you can not analyse and not process! Most of the time we are all driven by autopilot: emotions and desire are so much faster than our conscious rational thinking. That is why we cannot change by just thinking differently. We have to feel differently. I love this TED talk: Be brilliant every day.
So to change you have to SLOW DOWN and process what is going on.. what is really happening. You have to stop – or your coach will stop you and give you space and time – to look at the feeling which are driving you. Not to take an emotional shower, it is a very complex technical process: one must change it, if it is holding you back; if it has the power to push you forward (resonance & dissonance) must be optimized! In any case, we have to take a closer look to it. Make it real and tangible to change it. Transform it from an subject to an object that can be changed.
You brain is a supercomputer: Processing by slowing down and looking into, is like opening a file, correct it and restore it into the directory. So yes, opening the file is opening up your full potential of thoughts, images and inner dialogues.
Your coach can help you by using a different „door“ to the subject. He asks you for these images, imaginations, for colors or feelings, because the brain can’t really work with abstracts like: I am so sad. It is just a word – the brain needs the idea. The big piece of data.
So what is the color of this sadness, how it smells like, where can you feel it, how would you describe it, what does the feeling trying to say, how will it look from different perspective, who are you now … helps your brain to rework and not just repeat what you thought a thousand times: I am so sad!
Feels crazy? Yes it is, but the best you can do for yourself is this: show up, play, be crazy, use your fantasy and all that you have in your brain. If your coach plays with you, he or she is not insane or cruel – maybe it feels crazy for her too; but he or she gives you access to the world under your automated thoughts; the inner world – there is your ability to change! So PLAY, PLAY, PLAY! Don’t be afraid, have fun, don´t hold back. Let’s get on the work-floor and get our hands dirty.
What most clients fear is being vulnerable, but a vulnerability-hangover is a great indication that you have done great work! The morning after a great coaching or on your way back to work, in the evening after a good game, maybe you will have a sense of emptiness or shame, some emotional vacuum. Your head feels empty and confused. Are you sure, that feeling will be over after you sleep overnight? This one is Good sign! Then something is really changing. You will play it really cool and fearless! The brain is more refresh, something is in process.
And after this act of trust and openness to a third person or to yourself you have something that Brene Brown calls „Vulnerability-Hangover“, the one when you went beyond your protection limit and there is this vulnerable feeling about it. The fear of being rejected, judged or misunderstood: I have already wrote about it on instagram.
Why does it feel like a hangover? If you get yourself into emotion (the good and bad ones) it really shakes up the automated thoughts – the efficient routines. You successfully start to rewire your system, new connections between neurons are made, you are learning! And, you take subconscious content to your conscious mind and this consumes fuzzy energy. All your system is wired for automation and it is super hard to work against it. So if there was real impact – if the walls of protection will fell down to process the change – the same feeling you have after a long night of dancing. Something really important is in process and is restoring – your brain needs time for this, sometimes even days and weeks. And the truth about restoring is, emotional content is stored so much better. As emotions are playing a big role in your learning, your chances to remember and get access to new possibilities are much higher than if you only „understood“ something – this is just a new folder opening up for you.
What is my best advice for effective coaching? If you just had an „oh“ you should turn on the flame, take a meaningful risk, be vulnerable. So don´t be afraid to get hurt, your coach never wants to hurt you, do yourself a favor and play this game completely. This is why we many times have to get emotional, it uplifts the change and learning. Don’t be afraid, it’s just fun! Let’s play!
What about the body: It is the same, always when I try to be nice in the training, when I try to be a good and play it safely within comfort zone; it is not really challenging – if I am not willing to struggle; I will not become stronger. We have to risk, we have to struggle in order to improve.
A great training partner is calling you beyond the things you are already able to do – this, not to make you look weak or unable – He or she does it in to to call you out, to help you to get started! As coaches, we can perceive the greater and stronger version of yourself; potential and your unstoppable future. There is no growth without struggle. Don’t try to fake and make yourself look good even when you are not, instead try to develop and improvise!